The “About Marriage” series continues …
Lately I’ve heard quite a few single people say they never want to get married. Ever. One of the most consistent top reasons?
Cheating. They want to avoid marriage because they are afraid of infidelity.
First of all, it is simply not true that someone cheats in every single marriage. Just to use an example very close to home, my parents, who will be celebrating their 30th anniversary tomorrow, have never dealth with infidelity.
Even still, I do know that there are plenty of marriages that have suffered such a fate. But I’m going to make an announcement that I don’t hear broadcasted very often.
Cheating is not the worst thing that can happen to a marriage.
There, I’ve said it! Sure cheating is absolutely horrible, but I can come up with worse things. Like:
- Death. Unless I married a total slut, I’d like to think that infidelity at least has the potential to be rectified. Death is final.
- My spouse could be guilty of some heinous crime.
- He could become abusive.
- He could develop some serious negative addiction that changes him and hurts not only himself and me, but our entire family.
- He could harbor secrets or tell lies which would ruin the trust. And yes – that includes infidelity.
But having sex with someone else isn’t the only way (nor in my opinion is it the worst way) that a spouse can break trust with you. Continously saying they are going to do things – big things like being there for you – and failing to come through. Hiding their true income and large sums of money from their significant other, purely out of selfishness. Omitting important facts, like about having children with someone else. Engaging in secret activities that the other doesn’t know about, such as excessive gambling or criminal behavior. Often, many don’t seem to realize just how damaging lies are. Painful truths are much better than omission and deception. I mean, if I were given the opportunity to fool around with Johnny Depp or Lenny Kravitz, I’d at least tell my husband the truth about where I was going before I left, and promise to come back to him. Eventually. **winks**
I’m kidding. Mostly. Anyways, my point is:
Extramarital sex doesn’t destroy marriages. Deceit does.
There are couples with open marriages that seem to do just fine. There are some who bring additional parties into the bedroom that fare well (and some that don’t, but that’s a different topic). So having extramarital sex isn’t the issue – it’s the losss of faith and erosion of trust. The person cheated on begins to wonder what ELSE their spouse has lied or will lie to them about. They doubt everything the cheater says or has ever said before. Every time they leave the house, they wonder where their spouse is really going. Whenever their cell phone rings, they question who is calling. That complete breakdown of trust is what truly ruins a marriage. Not miscellaneous sex. I’m not saying that miscellaneous sex isn’t an issue, just that it in itself can not unravel a truly strong and intimate relationship. It’s the loss of trust that causes the pain and damage.
But I do believe that in certain circumstances it is possible to repair that relationship, to heal some of that pain, to recoup some of that lost trust. That is, IF both parties recognize that we are humans and imperfect creatures capable of making mistakes, and truly love each other and are comitted to resolving the issues and making the relationship work.
So when I hear people say that marriage is pointless because everybody is just going to cheat eventually anyways, I feel sad. What that tells me is that they don’t think they’ll ever find anyone they love enough to either a) trust, or b) forgive. And that’s too bad.
What are your thoughts on this? Please, do tell.
Click here to see all posts in the “About Marriage” series.
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