Relationships

13 Life Lessons – 2011 Brithday Edition

by ** Tatiana Caldwell ** on August.11.2011

Two days ago, I  just celebrated my birthday.  Another year lived.  Another year of lessons learned.  As part of my annual birthday blogging ritual, I’d like to take a moment to share a few of the ones I’ve learned this year (go here to see my previous ones):

  1. Do have a plan.
  2. Do have a backup plan in case the first plan fails.
  3. Don’t overplan. Be careful – it is possible to do so much planning, that you don’t leave any time for actual doing.
  4. Avoiding and ignoring are not the same thing. Avoiding is the prevention of something from happening. Ignoring is pretending that what already happened, didn’t.
  5. Avoid unnecessary drama and your life will be much less stressful.
  6. But not all drama is unnecessary … there are some things worth fighting over, worth getting upset and loud about, worth defending. Learn to tell the difference between what’s petty and what’s hefty.
  7. Sometimes, it’s not what you do that’s the problem. It’s who you’re doing it for and with, and why.
  8. The way you present or position something will drastically affect how it is perceived. Little girls dancing with a horizontal pole? It’s called Ballet and is widely praised. Little girls dancing with a vertical pole? It’s called Obscene and widely detested.
  9. There are some absolutely brilliant, amazing women in this world. Don’t underestimate the female persuasion.
  10. Rebooting fixes way more than just computers.
  11. It’s easy to be your own worst enemy. Stop fighting with yourself and become your biggest champion, your most generous supporter.
  12. Doesn’t matter what you look like – you will find it hard to see the pretty on the outside if you feel shitty on the inside.
  13. The better you understand something, the greater your potential to love it. This goes for works of art, skills, spouses, children, and yourself.

What are some of the lessons you learned this year?

Tagged as: life lessons, Relationships, Thursday Thirteen, writing life

{ 343 comments }

13 Ways Marriage Gets Better With Time

by ** Tatiana Caldwell ** on July.21.2011

Today is our 10th anniversary. We were a couple for about 6 years before we officially tied the knot, which puts us at 16 years of loving each other, but it very much feels as though we’ve been married for freaking ever. The good news is, at least for us, marriage continues to become easier the longer we are together. Here’s 13 ways it’s gotten better:

  1. Eventually, I learned to stop noticing the dirty towels and underwear he leaves on the floor.
  2. We’ve learned what each other’s strengths and weaknesses are, and work with it instead of against it. He can’t remember to balance the checkbook to save his life? Fine – we’ll make that my job. I can’t tell a weed from a flower? Fine – he’s got the gardening.
  3. What’s on our minds gets said immediately and gets dealt with, instead of letting it linger to harbor resentment and misunderstanding.
  4. Since I know he’s pretty much trapped now and can’t escape me, I have no qualms about sharing my kinkiest, dirtiest, naughtiest, most-taboo-iest fantasies with him and asking him to help me fulfill them. Yeah, even that fantasy.
  5. Having children who are walking, talking extensions of the two of us, has brought us even closer together.
  6. I don’t bother to ask him if an outfit makes my ass look bigger anymore. Either way, he’s still gonna slap it.
  7. My family is his family and his friends are my friends and vice versa. A lot of conflict is avoided because of this.
  8. Pooting in front of, or on him, is now something I laugh at instead of trying hard not to do.
  9. The line between “his” and “hers” has diminished to the point that it barley exists. There’s just “ours”. Unfortunately, this means I now have to buy pink socks if I don’t want him stealing them and stretching them way out of shape.
  10. We’re pretty secure in our relationship these days because we now know for a fact that we’re both absolutely crazy, and that no one but us would put up with us for long.
  11. After a while, we start developing the same tastes and habits. Which makes choosing what to eat for dinner, what to watch on TV and what color to paint the bathroom much easier than it used to be.
  12. It’s been so long that we’ve been going without some of the rights that marriage has deemed irrelevant, that we no longer even miss them. You know, like the right to come and go as you please, the right to say no, the right to remain silent.
  13. You get to make blog posts with both sweet and comedic commentary about your relationship instead of having to buy a sappy card for your anniversary ….

If you’re reading this babe, Happy Anniversary. I love you.

Tagged as: anniversary, marriage, Relationships, Thursday Thirteen

{ 694 comments }

13 Rules of Marriage

by ** Tatiana Caldwell ** on April.28.2011

It’s no secret I enjoy reading, writing, and talking about love, marriage and relationships. I recently read a very interesting book by Terrence Real titled The New Rules of Marriage for making love work in the 21st century. For today’s topic, I picked 13 of the many “relationship rules” described in this book to share with you for your thoughts:

  1. Intimacy occurs when 2 or more mature individuals choose to share themselves with one another.
  2. One of the great paradoxes of intimacy is that in order to have a healthy, passionate relationship, you must be willing to risk it.
  3. Objective Reality has no place in close personal relationships.
  4. A good relationship is not one in which the raw parts of ourselves are avoided. A good relationship is one in which they are handled. And a great relationship is one in which they are healed.
  5. The difference between acceptance and withdrawal is resentment.
  6. Couples don’t have problems; they are problems.
  7. You think that your relationship will improve once particular stressful issues, like money, parenting, or sex, “Get Resolved.” But it’s actually the other way around. You’ll be able to successfully tackle tough issues only after your relationship improves.
  8. Few things diminish one partner’s desire for sex more effectively than the other partner’s demand for it.
  9. You have no right to complain about not getting what you never asked for.
  10. Great relationships mean more assertion up front and less resentment on the back end.
  11. The essential dynamic of all relationships is a dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair.
  12. Listening equals understanding.
  13. Understanding builds empathy, empathy builds compassion, and compassion ends combat.

What do you think?

Tagged as: marriage, Relationships, Thursday Thirteen

{ 863 comments }

13 Things That Turn Me On / Off

by ** Tatiana Caldwell ** on March.10.2011

Here’s a list 13 things that turn me on, as well as 13 things that turn me off. (As I wrote this list I found it interesting to note how fine the line can be between some of the things that attract me and those that repell …)

  1. Intelligence / A Know-It-All
  2. Relates to me / Related to me
  3. Confidence / Arrogance
  4. Open-minded / Non-committal
  5. Adventurous / Promiscuous
  6. Naughty / Criminal
  7. Hypotheses / Hypocrisy
  8. Honesty / Crudeness
  9. Intimacy / Secrecy
  10. Analytical / Anal
  11. Devotion / Obsession
  12. Protectiveness / Un-trusting
  13. Upholding Integrity / Being Judgmental

Tagged as: Hot Stuff, Relationships, Thursday Thirteen

{ 770 comments }

13 Life Lessons

by ** Tatiana Caldwell ** on August.19.2010

As you know, I just celebrated a birthday last week.  Another year lived.  Another year of lessons learned.  I’d like to take a moment to share a few (go here to see the ones I shared previously):

  1. Before you can be true to anyone else, you have to be true to yourself.
  2. The older you get, the harder it is to break bad habits.
  3. You’d be surprised by what you can get if you only just ask.
  4. The term “Common Sense” is really quite a misnomer. It isn’t all that common, nor is it a sense.
  5. Times have changed. If you think you can make it JUST by relying on an employer for financial security, you may be putting yourself and your family at risk.
  6. The ones you fight with the hardest tend to be the ones you love the most.
  7. Doesn’t matter how well they get along or like each other. If a pair of partners aren’t both working towards the same shared, clearly understood goal, the partnership is headed for big trouble. Be the partnership a marriage, business partnership or project team.
  8. Sometimes you have to be the “bad guy” in order to save the day.
  9. I am not the exact same person today I was 20 years ago, or 10 years ago, or even a year ago. And I’m happy about that – I’m changing because I’m growing, maturing, evolving.
  10. I’m beginning to bet that more relationships fail because one person didn’t change, more-so than because they did.
  11. Parents don’t always know what’s best.
  12. There’s no point in complaining about it if you’re not going to do anything help make it change.
  13. If you insist on trying to take large, rapid steps there, you’ll likely wear yourself out before you even come close. But take it one focused, determined, small step at a time and chances are high you will eventually get there.

What are some of the lessons you learned this year?

Tagged as: life lessons, Relationships, Thursday Thirteen, writing life

{ 1125 comments }

13 Things Couples Fight About

by ** Tatiana Caldwell ** on June.24.2010

… and ways to resolve them:

  1. Finances. Discuss them.
  2. Kids. Agree on how to raise them.
  3. Frustrations. Express them.
  4. Expectations. Make them obtainable.
  5. Sex. Have it. Make it good.
  6. Promises. Keep them.
  7. The Past. Stop bringing it up repeatedly.
  8. Respect, Consideration and Gratitude. Show it.
  9. Angry Words Said. Own them. Don’t say it unless you mean it.
  10. Responsibilities. Share them.
  11. Ex’s. Keep them within proper boundaries.
  12. Lies. Don’t tell them.
  13. Secrets. Don’t create them.

Tagged as: Everything You Wanted To Know About Marriage, Relationships, Thursday Thirteen

{ 654 comments }

13 Ways to Keep Love Growing

by ** Tatiana Caldwell ** on April.1.2010

A couple recently asked my husband and I if we could share any tips on keeping our relationship fresh and growing. Here’s the answer!

  1. Keep talking. Communicate about everything. Your feelings, movies, your dreams, your hobbies, your fears, your day, your past. Stay updated and keep learning something new about each other.
  2. Find common interests. As the years go by, you may find that your tastes and interests grow dissimilar. Discover things that you both can enjoy, be it a TV show, a book, a video game, a dance class.
  3. Try to change together. For instance, does one of you want to eat better and drop some weight? Make it a goal for you both to adapt healthier habits.
  4. Be creatively naughty together. Who better to share – and perhaps try out – all of your wildest fantasies with than your other half? Share fantasies with each other. Watch them, discuss them, try them.
  5. Visit someplace new together. See something new together. See each other in a different setting.
  6. Never stop wooing. Each other, I mean! Keep going on dates. Come home with flowers, candy. Have candlelight dinners even when it’s not Valentine’s Day or your Anniversary.
  7. Do projects together. Be it growing a garden or starting a side business.
  8. Say what’s on your mind. Even if it is very profound. Even it is shockingly naughty.
  9. Be spontaneous. Every once in a while, wear something surprising to bed, or show up at their office to take them out for lunch.
  10. Take time off to just be with each other. Life seems to always be yelling “go-go-go!” Try to make some time for you two to do nothing but just be together.
  11. Make each other laugh. It’s hard not to love someone who keeps a smile on your face.
  12. Keep yourself fresh and growing. Take care of yourself. Learn something new, change up your hair, buy a new style of clothing. If you remain interesting and evolving then not only might your spouse notice and appreciate it, they may be motivated to do the same.
  13. Be best friends. You never get bored with your best buddy, right? Work to ensure that your spouse is your very best friend, and your relationship will never grow dull.

Tagged as: Everything You Wanted To Know About Marriage, marriage, Relationships, Thursday Thirteen

{ 425 comments }

Preparing for Marriage

by ** Tatiana Caldwell ** on March.31.2010

I’m a firm believer and advocate of love and marriage. My husband and I have been married for 9 years, a couple for a total of 15 years, and our relationship continues to grow stronger.  But to the many people who don’t often see real-life examples of healthy, happy couples, marriage can be an unpredictably scary thing.

So my husband and I try to make it a point to openly discuss our relationship with friends and associates – why we work so well together and how we handle certain obstacles and arguments.  We recently received an email from a couple who wanted our input on some questions they have about preparing for marriage, as they are doing just that. I think it is great they’re thinking about these things together before they tie the knot, and the questions are universal and so I thought I’d share them, as well as my answers.

***


Question 1: What was the most important factor(s) that contributed to you knowing/feeling like this was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?

I knew my husband was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with when he was already a big part of my life and I couldn’t imagine it being any other way.

He says that he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me when he wanted to be a better person – in every way – because of me.

***

Question 2: How were you able to overcome the apprehensions/fears/anxieties that you experienced leading up to engagement and marriage?

By being together.

We maintained a relationship for over 6 years before we married, 3.5 of those years we lived together. We took our time and got to know each other (and ourselves, since we were young when we began dating – I was 18 and he was 20). Because we lived with each other, shared expenses and dealt with each other day-in and day-out for several years, we knew exactly what we were getting into beforehand. Therefore, there was no real mystery or unknowns to be afraid of and thus little apprehension.

***

Question 3: What’s your advice on waiting for a “right time” or a “sign” versus just making a decision to go ahead and get married? In other words, how did you know when you were ready?

I think it depends on what marriage means to you. For us, we were practically already married long before we ever got engaged. We were committed to each other, lived together, shared a car, shared chores, raised pets, spent time with each other’s families, planned for the future.  When we officially got married all everyone said was “It’s about time you had the party!”

There was a point in time were we tried splitting up, but being apart just didn’t work. We probably didn’t need that last “sign” but it was definitely the last link in the chain.

***

Question 4: What were the most difficult challenges you faced transitioning into married life?

Challenge #1: Switching from “yours and mine” to “ours”. Even though we lived together for years, we’d always paid for things in half. He paid his half, I paid my half. His car note was his own responsibility, my car note was my own.

We learned quickly though that continuing like that wasn’t going to work well for us.What happens when one person earns significantly more money that year than the other? Do you base everything you purchase on what the lowest earner can pay half of? What if one person gets laid off and can’t afford their car payments? One spouse’s credit can affect the couple’s buying power and interest rates drastically.

It wasn’t worth it to continue handling everything as “his” and “hers”. Treating ourselves as “one” in all ways is the best way for us to avoid lots of marital problems – including money issues. Keeping some savings and “debatable” expenses separate is fine, but we pool all other finances together, regardless of how much someone puts it or whatnot. Since I’m the more financially sound one, I handle our money. Our paychecks get deposited into the same account, with which I manages both of our bills, credit cards, earnings and allowances for spending.

If there’s a lack of trust and/or desire to merge your major finances together, consider the possibility that this could be the wrong time to get married or the wrong person.

Challenge #2: Less thinking in “singular” terms. Similar theme to challenge #1, except this has less to do with anything tangible like money and objects, and everything to do with thoughts, feelings, respect and consideration. For a healthy marriage, our usage of the word “my” had to be drastically reduced, and quickly. Phrases like …

  • “That’s my business, not yours.”
  • “You don’t need to know who my friends are.”
  • “I’m not telling you my password.”
  • “It’s not my problem that what I said hurt your feelings.”

… had to go. It was odd that after all of those years, the hostile “my’s / I’s” and “you’s” didn’t show up in full force like this until after we married, but they did haunt us, and they needed to be exorcised. After some crying and screaming and chanting and a challenging purification ritual, we did succeed in banishing them from our house.

Not suggesting that once you are married you are no longer entitled to any privacy. But I do happen to wonder why anyone who wants their life to be private would bother uniting with another. What is there to hide from the person you vowed to commit to, to spend the rest of your life with, to raise a family, grow old and die with? If you’re doing anything or talking to anyone that you absolutely don’t want your spouse to ever know about, there’s a high chance you shouldn’t be doing it.

***

Question 5: What are some strategies you’ve used to keep your relationship new and fresh and growing?

This question is so juicy, I decided to turn it into a list for Thursday Thirteen. Stay tuned for 13 Ways To Keep Love Growing!

***

Would you have answered any of these questions differently? Please share!

Tagged as: Everything You Wanted To Know About Marriage, marriage, Relationships

{ 1000 comments }

Thirteen Thursday: 13 Ways to Tell He Loves You

by ** Tatiana Caldwell ** on February.18.2010

  1. He brags about you to his family and friends.
  2. Even when you’re wearing sweat pants and a baggy t-shirt and your hair is a mess, he still checks you out when you walk by.
  3. When he talks about the future, you’re included.
  4. He’ll watch Grey’s Anatomy or go shoe shopping with you – something you like to do but he doesn’t – just to spend time with you.
  5. He remembers something you said last week.
  6. He calls or texts you just to say hi.
  7. He spends more time with you than he does with his friends.
  8. He calls to make sure you got there okay, because he’s concerned about your safety.
  9. He’ll prepare a meal for you. Even if he isn’t a good cook, he’ll learn to make a dish just for you.
  10. He puts forth effort to see to it that you too are satisfied. Every time.
  11. He’s not too ashamed to run to the store and buy feminine hygiene products for you.
  12. You can see it in his eyes. Feel it in his hands. Hear it in his voice.
  13. He tells you he loves you. And then he shows you … with everything that he does.

Tagged as: Relationships, Thursday Thirteen

{ 330 comments }

Everything You Wanted to Know about Marriage – Part 3: Gender Roles

by ** Tatiana Caldwell ** on June.11.2009

The “About Marriage” series continues …

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** Is The Kitchen the Woman’s Place? **

I know a couple that recently got into a bit of a tiff.  For the majority of their 30+ years of marriage, they shared the chore of preparing dinner. He cooked on weekends and at least once during the week, and she cooked the other four or less days. All was well until a few years ago when he just stopped cooking altogether, unless he was throwing a dinner party for family and friends.

The wife was bothered by this, but not enough to make a fuss about it, and so she carried on. Until last week when he had a day off work and she didn’t. She came home after a long day and went to her bedroom, thinking she could relax for a little while. Her husband came in and asked him when she was going to cook dinner.

Now mind you, this man is a WONDERFUL cook. And he was off work, had been home most of the day, and was in the other room watching television when she arrived.

So the wife blows up. She asks why he couldn’t cook dinner himself? She’d had a big lunch and wasn’t even hungry. His response?

“You’re the woman. Anything that is done inside the house is your job, and anything that is done outside of the house is mine.”

Now here’s the thing. I’m a modern kind of gal. Self-sufficient.  Educated. Holds down a job in the corporate world.  But I also still hold onto a few traditional values myself.  Although I don’t completely subscribe to the idea of gender specific roles, I can understand them (to a certain degree) and have no issues with either men nor women who do.

But if this man truly believes that everything done inside the house is women’s work and outside the home men’s, why does his wife go to a job she can’t stand 5 days a week to help pay the bills? She has told me before that overtime at his job is available, but he doesn’t take it. They don’t have any young children, so he could also pick up a part-time job or look for a position with higher pay so his wife wouldn’t have to work and could fully embrace this “woman’s role” he wants her to take on. It is not fair to ask her to adhere to old-fashioned rules if he’s not willing to work harder to do the same.

He says:

“Well since I shovel the snow and mow the lawn, she should be the one doing the cooking and cleaning.”

But she says:

“He mows the lawn once, maybe twice a month, and it only snows a few weeks out of the year. But meals need to prepared and dishes need to be washed every day! Floors and toilets need to be cleaned weekly. He doesn’t help with any of that.”

It is my belief that in a healthy marriage, the husband and the wife function as a team. There should be little fretting over which sex is supposed to be the one doing what. If there are things to be done, they should simply be done by whichever partner is able and available to do it. If this means relying on traditional gender roles, then so be it. If this means completely reversing them, then so be it that way. So long as somehow, some way, it results in both parties applying close to equal effort (or at least their best efforts), then all is well. In a healthy relationship, the husband would feel masculine, needed and respected even if he bakes a casserole and vacuums the living room. The wife would feel feminine, appreciated and taken care of even if she’s the one painting the fence or making sure the bills are getting paid.

** Does The Man Wear The Pants? **

Maybe. Maybe not. I think that a good man who knows what needs to be taken care of and how to get things done should be in charge … right along with his good woman. I think it’s less about gender and more about the individuals and their relationship.

A married couple should be a team, a dynamic duo!  A healthy one wouldn’t have  gender-based power struggles. Let whichever one of you is best equipped to handle a specific aspect of your lives manage it, while respecting the input and wishes of the other. Simple. That just might result in one person being more vocal than the other. It could also lead to completely equal levels of this perceived “power”.

But either way, it should be about what makes the most sense for that couple to get things taken care of properly, and not about gender or being in “control”. In my marriage, I manage our budget and my husband manages the yard and landscaping, but still we always consult each other. I can’t think of anything we don’t collaborate on to some degree. It works great for us.

I say save the superior/subordinate roles for work. And maybe for some role-playing in the bedroom.

Tagged as: Everything You Wanted To Know About Marriage, marriage, men and women, Relationships

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