13 Reasons I’m Leaving My Husband (*satire*)

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our 9th year of marriage and 15 total years as a couple. As I’ve confessed more than once online, my love for that man grows more and more each year rather than diminish, so I thought I’d fun instead to post a list of reasons why I’m fictitiously leaving my husband. The reasons themselves aren’t fictitious -he’s truly guilty as charged of everything listed - but the reasons to stay far outnumber the reasons not to, so I’m not really going anywhere.

1. He’ll refuse to read a book I recommend just because it’s got a picture of a hunky man on the front or the cover looks too “girly” for him to be seen with it
2. Even after 15 years of my complaining, he still leaves his dirty clothes on the floor and the tv on when he’s not watching it
3. He scratches and sniffs himself after a good workout or a long day of tending to the yard
4. He thinks “Spartacus” is a better show than “Private Practice”
5. He tells me “no”. As if he doesn’t have to obey me, or something.
6. He thinks “Hot damn, your booty is big!” is a compliment
7. He keeps bringing home chocolate (likely a conspiracy for #7)
8. Sometimes, he says tells me he can’t because he has a headache. Seriously, what husband does that?
9. He farts in the middle of the night – UNDER the sheets with me in it!
10. He made me spawn two children that are just as bad as he is
11. The children and I often trip over his size 14 shoes when he forgets to put them away
12. He keeps getting my socks mixed up with his, wearing them, and stretching them hopelessly out of shape
13. I love him too much, can’t imagine life without him. That’s just not right, I’m telling you! Nobody should be so in love!

And there you have it. Valid reasons why I should leave my husband! (*sticks out my tongue at my husband in case he’s looking*)

Tagged as: Thursday Thirteen