I’m a firm believer and advocate of love and marriage. My husband and I have been married for 9 years, a couple for a total of 15 years, and our relationship continues to grow stronger. But to the many people who don’t often see real-life examples of healthy, happy couples, marriage can be an unpredictably scary thing.
So my husband and I try to make it a point to openly discuss our relationship with friends and associates – why we work so well together and how we handle certain obstacles and arguments. We recently received an email from a couple who wanted our input on some questions they have about preparing for marriage, as they are doing just that. I think it is great they’re thinking about these things together before they tie the knot, and the questions are universal and so I thought I’d share them, as well as my answers.
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Question 1: What was the most important factor(s) that contributed to you knowing/feeling like this was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?
I knew my husband was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with when he was already a big part of my life and I couldn’t imagine it being any other way.
He says that he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me when he wanted to be a better person – in every way – because of me.
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Question 2: How were you able to overcome the apprehensions/fears/anxieties that you experienced leading up to engagement and marriage?
By being together.
We maintained a relationship for over 6 years before we married, 3.5 of those years we lived together. We took our time and got to know each other (and ourselves, since we were young when we began dating – I was 18 and he was 20). Because we lived with each other, shared expenses and dealt with each other day-in and day-out for several years, we knew exactly what we were getting into beforehand. Therefore, there was no real mystery or unknowns to be afraid of and thus little apprehension.
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Question 3: What’s your advice on waiting for a “right time” or a “sign” versus just making a decision to go ahead and get married? In other words, how did you know when you were ready?
I think it depends on what marriage means to you. For us, we were practically already married long before we ever got engaged. We were committed to each other, lived together, shared a car, shared chores, raised pets, spent time with each other’s families, planned for the future. When we officially got married all everyone said was “It’s about time you had the party!”
There was a point in time were we tried splitting up, but being apart just didn’t work. We probably didn’t need that last “sign” but it was definitely the last link in the chain.
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Question 4: What were the most difficult challenges you faced transitioning into married life?
Challenge #1: Switching from “yours and mine” to “ours”. Even though we lived together for years, we’d always paid for things in half. He paid his half, I paid my half. His car note was his own responsibility, my car note was my own.
We learned quickly though that continuing like that wasn’t going to work well for us.What happens when one person earns significantly more money that year than the other? Do you base everything you purchase on what the lowest earner can pay half of? What if one person gets laid off and can’t afford their car payments? One spouse’s credit can affect the couple’s buying power and interest rates drastically.
It wasn’t worth it to continue handling everything as “his” and “hers”. Treating ourselves as “one” in all ways is the best way for us to avoid lots of marital problems – including money issues. Keeping some savings and “debatable” expenses separate is fine, but we pool all other finances together, regardless of how much someone puts it or whatnot. Since I’m the more financially sound one, I handle our money. Our paychecks get deposited into the same account, with which I manages both of our bills, credit cards, earnings and allowances for spending.
If there’s a lack of trust and/or desire to merge your major finances together, consider the possibility that this could be the wrong time to get married or the wrong person.
Challenge #2: Less thinking in “singular” terms. Similar theme to challenge #1, except this has less to do with anything tangible like money and objects, and everything to do with thoughts, feelings, respect and consideration. For a healthy marriage, our usage of the word “my” had to be drastically reduced, and quickly. Phrases like …
- “That’s my business, not yours.”
- “You don’t need to know who my friends are.”
- “I’m not telling you my password.”
- “It’s not my problem that what I said hurt your feelings.”
… had to go. It was odd that after all of those years, the hostile “my’s / I’s” and “you’s” didn’t show up in full force like this until after we married, but they did haunt us, and they needed to be exorcised. After some crying and screaming and chanting and a challenging purification ritual, we did succeed in banishing them from our house.
Not suggesting that once you are married you are no longer entitled to any privacy. But I do happen to wonder why anyone who wants their life to be private would bother uniting with another. What is there to hide from the person you vowed to commit to, to spend the rest of your life with, to raise a family, grow old and die with? If you’re doing anything or talking to anyone that you absolutely don’t want your spouse to ever know about, there’s a high chance you shouldn’t be doing it.
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Question 5: What are some strategies you’ve used to keep your relationship new and fresh and growing?
This question is so juicy, I decided to turn it into a list for Thursday Thirteen. Stay tuned for 13 Ways To Keep Love Growing!
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Would you have answered any of these questions differently? Please share!
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