The “About Marriage” series continues …
Lately I’ve heard quite a few single people say they never want to get married. Ever. One of the most consistent top reasons?
Cheating. They want to avoid marriage because they are afraid of infidelity.
First of all, it is simply not true that someone cheats in every single marriage. Just to use an example very close to home, my parents, who will be celebrating their 30th anniversary tomorrow, have never dealth with infidelity.
Even still, I do know that there are plenty of marriages that have suffered such a fate. But I’m going to make an announcement that I don’t hear broadcasted very often.
Cheating is not the worst thing that can happen to a marriage.
There, I’ve said it! Sure cheating is absolutely horrible, but I can come up with worse things. Like:
- Death. Unless I married a total slut, I’d like to think that infidelity at least has the potential to be rectified. Death is final.
- My spouse could be guilty of some heinous crime.
- He could become abusive.
- He could develop some serious negative addiction that changes him and hurts not only himself and me, but our entire family.
- He could harbor secrets or tell lies which would ruin the trust. And yes – that includes infidelity.
But having sex with someone else isn’t the only way (nor in my opinion is it the worst way) that a spouse can break trust with you. Continously saying they are going to do things – big things like being there for you – and failing to come through. Hiding their true income and large sums of money from their significant other, purely out of selfishness. Omitting important facts, like about having children with someone else. Engaging in secret activities that the other doesn’t know about, such as excessive gambling or criminal behavior. Often, many don’t seem to realize just how damaging lies are. Painful truths are much better than omission and deception. I mean, if I were given the opportunity to fool around with Johnny Depp or Lenny Kravitz, I’d at least tell my husband the truth about where I was going before I left, and promise to come back to him. Eventually. **winks**
I’m kidding. Mostly. Anyways, my point is:
Extramarital sex doesn’t destroy marriages. Deceit does.
There are couples with open marriages that seem to do just fine. There are some who bring additional parties into the bedroom that fare well (and some that don’t, but that’s a different topic). So having extramarital sex isn’t the issue – it’s the losss of faith and erosion of trust. The person cheated on begins to wonder what ELSE their spouse has lied or will lie to them about. They doubt everything the cheater says or has ever said before. Every time they leave the house, they wonder where their spouse is really going. Whenever their cell phone rings, they question who is calling. That complete breakdown of trust is what truly ruins a marriage. Not miscellaneous sex. I’m not saying that miscellaneous sex isn’t an issue, just that it in itself can not unravel a truly strong and intimate relationship. It’s the loss of trust that causes the pain and damage.
But I do believe that in certain circumstances it is possible to repair that relationship, to heal some of that pain, to recoup some of that lost trust. That is, IF both parties recognize that we are humans and imperfect creatures capable of making mistakes, and truly love each other and are comitted to resolving the issues and making the relationship work.
So when I hear people say that marriage is pointless because everybody is just going to cheat eventually anyways, I feel sad. What that tells me is that they don’t think they’ll ever find anyone they love enough to either a) trust, or b) forgive. And that’s too bad.
What are your thoughts on this? Please, do tell.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Yet another reason I broke it off with the ex. He doesn’t believe in marriage anymore, and to him, if someone cheats(meaning if I ever did on him), it’s just “human nature”. I saw what my father did to my mother, and I know personally I could never do that to another person. So hearing that from him was a terrible blow; especially when he should know me well enough to not lump me in with the lowest common denominator.
What is this with people “not believing” in marriage? I find it interesting though that your ex both didn’t believe in marriage and considers cheating “human nature”. I wonder what his issues with marriage are, then? Just curious.
I think lots of people have seen a parent or a relative or a friend cheat or be cheated on and just completely write off marriage, as if somehow cheating is unavoidable.
I’ve seen way too many people cheat, starting with my Sunday School teacher back when I was 8 and moving up to the present. All people don’t cheat, but there are times you have to wonder because things people say and do make you wonder just what they’d do if the opportunity came up and they could do it without suffering any consequences. I’ve seen just about everyone in a relationship do something that their partner considered infidelity, ranging from discussing problems with their mate to someone else to spending money on a co-worker or a friend. Not to mention the usual physical stuff.
Thank you for your great comment, wildreader.
You said:”things people say and do make you wonder just what they’d do if the opportunity came up and they could do it without suffering any consequences.” I think this is true about a lot of things, though, not just cheating. It’s human nature to have desires. What is bad is actually physically acting upon it, knowing that it could hurt someone else. If you love someone, you would not want to do anything to hurt them, regardless of what you secretly wish for.
On the flip side, I can’t help but wonder about people’s expectations. Expecting your spouse to never discuss marital problems with someone else or to never take a co-worker or friend out for a platonic lunch is unrealistic and uneccesary, in my opinion. I guess I’m just beginning to wonder if people are losing the true meaning of love or understand what commitment really means.
Thought I was gonna be able to come in here and play devils advocate,but you’re so dead ass accurate. *curses*
For most of my adult life I wanted to get married and have children. Now at 42, not so anymore. Having seen friends, male & female, cheat and been cheated on, the pure selfishness of individuals with their own agendas has left me saying “Uuugghh!!”. I applaud those who have weathered the storm and remain married or who have very healthy marriages. But for every one of those that exists there are countless others that are trainwrecks.
I don’t know Wanna I’ve done it, I got not just cheated on, and also dealt with physical abuse and drugs and about every creepy behavior you named, as a degenerative process, and after that and having a long term relationship disintegrate (Thanks God not in a similar manner) as well seeing the utter shitty alternatively unhappy/indifferent/combative marriage my parents had, or how many years my Grandfather has steadily cheated on my Grandma or how the alternative for my aunts has been Marry a doofus that won’t have enough brains to put one over you or fight every step of the way…..
I Simply feel that I Rather not again, it was horrible and sad enough the first go round
Additionally I don’t want kids hard enough to want to bring them forth and as such don’t see the point cause that’s the only reason i’d want to be married, to have A kid
The most I aspire to with these crazy men in this day an age, combined with my lack of patience and faith in people to do right is: A decent partnership, you don’t even have to live with me 100% of the time cause I NEED space, as long as you are honest, put out, and stay FAITHFUL to me once we decide to do this one on one , I can be there
*grins* Heh heh, thanks Minista!
Chocl8t, I too have surely seen the selfishness that’s out there, in all forms. But me personally – I don’t blame that on marriage. I blame people marrying the wrong person (or at the wrong time).
Wow QQ, I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through all of that. That is terrible, and no wonder you’re not feeling motivated to try it again. But again, is the problem here marriage or the person married to …
NO I Totally Agree with you on wrong person wrong time etc, but really, seeing the state of affairs FOR ME the motivation to search for that particular person, that isn’t just about them but about you and your best interests as well AND the commitment AND the honesty and respect… well is just not there, I rather deal with someone, informally until neither one of us want to deal with each other
You touched on everything I would say in the text of the post.
Cheating is a sore subject for so many and so many have a fortress wall of defense up to prevent having discussions about it even.
Also, a one-time mistake versus a drawn out affair should be considered differently in my opinion.
I am married and we have seen some rough, I mean ROUGH times but we are sticking it out because we know that we truly are right for each other.
Thanks for this post!
Ah, I gotcha QQ and I definitely understand where you are coming from.
Gem – thank you so much for chiming in as another married person. I too agree that a one-time mistake should be handled differently than a draw out affair.